It being Itnernational Talk Like A Pirate Day, this site here has translated one of yesterday's "Standin Thar Productions" diary posts into a more appropriate mode of expression (scroll down for original diary entry):

Th' Sprin' Has Sprung.

Be 't sprin'?

Feels like 't’s sprin'.

Sprin' be an inspirational time fer me. Fer some reason, th' air makes me bounce. Swabbies stroll through parks an' eat lunch in th' sun, dogs swivel midair towards frisbees, coffees avast remindin' me o' cigarettes an' phlegm an' start smellin' clist an' sharp wi' th' promise o' summer…

An' then I get homeport an' reckon that borin' things happen e'en when ye feel like ye ortin' ta be able t' follow th' creative whim o' a sprin' tide.

1. Me laptop has sustained considerable damage thanks t' me nay bein' able t' invent a time machine an' go aft t' jus' before th' moment I dropped 't.

2. Bills. Always bills.

3. Real estate bilge water. What do ye MEAN I signed me name incorrectly on yer lily livered bond claim form? I be havin' signed th' EXACT SAME SIGNATURE ON ERE ELSE FER ME ENTIRE LIFE AN' NOBODY HAS EVER QUESTIONED 'T, INCLUDING TH' POLICE/ VISA SWABBIES/ US SECURITY ETC.

4. Th' thin' I can’t find be definitely here somewhere.

5. Ortin' ta probably do somethin' about that mess.

So look, sprin' be lovely an' all that, but could me creative inspiration PLEASE slot itself into th' relevant sections o' me life (such as when I be starin' at a blank page, desperately searchin' fer an idee).

PS If 'tis nay sprin', please disregard this post.

My favourite bits: reference to "real estate bilge water", use of the expression "swabbies", and "smellin' clist an' sharp".

Why was this way of speaking ever discarded?