January 2008

  • strict warning: Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module on line 906.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_argument::init() should be compatible with views_handler::init(&$view, $options) in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_argument.inc on line 744.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_validate() should be compatible with views_handler::options_validate($form, &$form_state) in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter.inc on line 607.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_submit() should be compatible with views_handler::options_submit($form, &$form_state) in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter.inc on line 607.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter_boolean_operator::value_validate() should be compatible with views_handler_filter::value_validate($form, &$form_state) in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter_boolean_operator.inc on line 159.
  • warning: strtotime(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/modules/node/views_handler_argument_dates_various.inc on line 72.
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  • strict warning: Declaration of views_plugin_row::options_submit() should be compatible with views_plugin::options_submit(&$form, &$form_state) in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_row.inc on line 134.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.
  • warning: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected the timezone 'UTC' for now, but please set date.timezone to select your timezone. in /home/standing/public_html/sites/all/themes/STP/node.tpl.php on line 7.

My Karma Ran Over My Dogma

So today I called out to a guy who had left his bag on the roof of his car and was about to lose it on a tight right-hand turn. I saved his bag. In the street, for that brief moment, I was a hero. A benevolent stranger halting a bad day.

I thought my karma was coming.

Then my computer crashed and I spilled my coffee.

SOMEBODY OWES ME SOMETHING, YA LISTENING? YA BIG BULLY. PLAY FAIR!

Based on a true story

So here’s something that doesn’t happen every day and I’m thankful for that, I truly am:

- The event you’re organising for your part-time job has a guest list of four hundred peeps.

- There is one coffee machine.

- There is no electricity with which to power the coffee machine to feed the peeps.

- There is a film crew shooting a reality TV show in one of the cafes in the laneway.

- There is a rumour there is a health inspector on the loose.

- It is seven o’clock in the morning. See that scenario? That right there is my life.

How jealous are you guys?

By the way: that means two deadlines down, one to go. My cup of tea is even lovelier than usual.

Being Boring

When I first started working for a production company (I was a glorified secretary at the time) I was taught about the central tension in all production companies between development and production. You’re either developing a project (writing it, in my case) or producing it (filming it, directing it for stage etc). I was told production is always better. The aim is to constantly be in production. Why? Because developing projects means you’re poor and you’re boring.

WHO WANTS TO BE POOR AND BORING?

Sure, being ONE of those things might be okay, but BOTH? But it’s true. If you spend your whole time developing stuff (for little or no money) then everyone gets sick of hearing what you’re going to do, and how little money you have to do it. Or, to bring it back to me (always) if you spend your whole time writing, people think you’re biding time in between your “real” projects (ie the stuff they see on stage/screen) and they think it’s very boring of you to go home and write your imaginary thing that doesn’t exist yet.

The mistake some people make is to tip the balance too far the other way and go into production with a not very good idea they haven’t thought about at all which means that they’re exciting, well-paid, and memorably shithouse. This of course says a lot about how arts funding works, but old Pandora should be left out of this for the moment.

THE POINT IS (yes please) that when I’m working on development, rather than production, I am THE most boring woman on earth. I don’t see anyone, I don’t go anywhere, I just sit in a room and write and then once a week I have a production meeting with Rits and Stew WHO ARE MY ONLY FRIENDS. I have a coffee from the same place each day and sometimes, AS A TREAT, I buy flavoured mineral water. FLAVOURED MINERAL WATER. TREAT. If I ever go anywhere, I’m late because I was in the middle of something. I am always “nearly finished”. I am always “coming in a tic”. Stew, whose job title at Standing There Productions (production coordinator) has never fully encompassed what he does, has gone ahead and suggested a title for himself: Head Waiter.

It is the devastating accuracy of the title that wounds me so.

I’m sorry, friends and family. I will totally make up for it when we’re in production. You watch me go.

*gets mystery illness*

If you live next to a writer…

A few good reasons why the Bundanon artist residency is going to be grouse:

If you live next door to a writer…

1. Please don’t own a drum kit.

2. If in breach of rule #1, please don’t bring your contraband drum kit out into the backyard at three in the morning to just bang it about a bit for the sake of it when persons are trying to get a specific number of hours’ sleep under their belt so they can write early in the morning.

3. Please don’t steal other people’s rubbish bins. Writers have rubbish too.

4. If you absolutely must have loud conversations right outside where writers do their work, please make the conversations intriguing and refer whenever possible to love triangles, criminal pasts, missing persons and/or secret identities.

5. If you are a mute mime-artist, please move into my street.

That is all.

Important People

So if you want to look important in a meeting because you're trying to convince a reality TV crew not to shoot outside in the laneway you're holding a breakfast of 400 people in...

Get your friend to bring a takeaway cup of coffee into the room and nod shyly at you, like unto an important CEO type person.

Works a charm.

I've heard.

(As you can see, day job going well. Writing... well... Happy Australia Day!).

Nice Lady

Stressed out writer to lady in coffee shop: How much is a cup of coffee?

WRITER SIFTS THROUGH SILVER COINS.

Lady in coffee shop: three dollars.

Stressed out writer: Oooh yay I think I have enough.

Lady in coffee shop: How much do you have?

Stressed out writer: I have three dollars thirty. But that’s okay because I think I get paid tomorrow.

Lady in coffee shop: That's all you have left in the world?

Stressed out writer: Oh, no, don't worry. No, I'm okay.

LADY IN COFFEE SHOP CLOSES MOUTH, GOES BEHIND COFFEE MACHINE, MAKES COFFEE.

EMERGES WITH BIGGEST COFFEE IN KNOWN UNIVERSE.

Lady in coffee shop: I made you a big one.

Stressed out writer: Oh, wow, you're lovely.

Lady in coffee shop: You keep the coins. You might want to get a tram.

STRESSED OUT WRITER LEAVES FEELING A MIXTURE OF GRATITUDE AND EMBARRASSMENT THAT COFFEE LADY THINKS SHE IS ON LAST LEGS AND ONLY CHANCE OF HOPE IS A TRAM TO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

WRITER HOPES LADY IN COFFEE SHOP IS DELUDED, NOT WRITER.

WRITER DRINKS COFFEE.

WRITER AS HIGH AS A KITE FOR THREE HOURS.

WRITER FINDS OUT IT'S NEXT WEEK SHE GETS PAID, NOT THIS WEEK. WRITER IS VERY GRATEFUL FOR TRAM MONEY.

Repetition repetition repetition

I hate to repeat myself but you WOULDN'T BELIEVE how many deadlines I've got.

Cop this:

- Organising a VIP breakfast for 400 people in the street on Wednesday next week. The caterers dropped out today.

- Writing a comedy festival script, auditions coming up very shortly

- Writing a script due on 31 Jan

- Writing a prose thing I was supposed to do "in January" which I am hoping meant "in February", and by February I am hoping they meant, kind of, March.

I promise I'll write something here that isn't about how I have no time and no money and too much to do. One day, I will write about sky and frisbees and swims and people riding bikes with bottles of wine and breadsticks in their handbaskets again.

Just not now.

Holiday

I'm going on a writing holiday. Back Friday. If I don't do any writing on my writing holiday, you may not hear from me until March.

Just by way of warning.

Otherwise, see you Friday!

L

The Social Animal

Apparently, humans are social animals. Without social interaction, we become dysfunctional and can't survive. We go loopy and do crazy things like thinking we’re from planet Zorb and worshipping the god of an inanimate object such as a pedal bin, piece of rope, can opener or smiliar. Apparently this is true, which I know because I saw it in a documentary.

I also know it is true because lately I have been working weekends.

On Sunday, I made myself take an hour off to go and meet my friends who were at a BBQ for my mate Lawrence who is going to live in Sydney.

I went to the party and I couldn't do it right. I couldn't do small talk, I couldn't do large talk, I couldn't even do medium-sized talk (normally my specialty). I couldn't TALK without getting confused and realising I wasn't saying what I set out to say. I do believe at one stage I was speaking in tongues.

No wonder those people in the library are so insane.

Argem de minno frizzle mop. Don't you think?

 

Bozo Journalism

Thank you to the very astute and highly amused Big Oceans for pointing out the new heights to which Melbourne pretendy newspaper The Age rose majestically yesterday.

As you know, I am not very good at photoshop so I did not make this up. I couldn’t make this up. I would think this was a very laborious way of making the point that The Age is crappy, if it were not for the fact that The Age really is this crappy.

Britney Gets Flat Tyre

You heard it here first.

My favourite bit is how they try to make it news by mentioning other incidents involving Britney that have been in the news “She won’t be running over anyone’s foot in her car BECAUSE SHE HAS A FLAT TYRE!” and “her kids are gone so she’s feeling even worse now that she’s GOT A FLAT TYRE!”

I’m surprised they aren’t trying harder to make it newsworthy actually. “Third world debt is ballooning out of control, which Britney must have been contemplating WHEN SHE GOT A FLAT TYRE!”

“Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary with no help from Britney who HAD A FLAT TYRE!”

In other news, it’s very hot today. It’s going to be 42 degrees in Mildura. Some people think this is because of global warming. Obviously they are failing to account for BRITNEY’S FLAT TYRE.

Did you know there are writers in Melbourne without work? Quelle hilair!

So, as George Bush convinces his coalition of the willing to gear up against Iran, the globe heats up, Kenya descends from democracy into chaos, the most powerful nation in the world launches a political campaign that could effect us all, spare a thought for the real news items that some fearless journalist somewhere is covering without concern for his or her own safety. Maybe Paris is getting out of a car. Maybe Enrique is scratching his botty. These journalists are the reason we fight for our freedom. Spare a thought for them.

Writing

When you picture someone writing, what do you picture?

A piece of paper and a pen, or a computer?

I used to picture the pen. I used to write with the pen. I used to write first, type later. Couldn’t do it any other way. These days, though, it’s straight into a blank word document, or I lose concentration and look out the window at the car being towed away opposite the cafe I go to. (At exactly 4pm every weekday, two parking ticket inspectors and a tow truck arrive at what was - at 3:59 - a car park but is now a clearway zone opposite the cafe. Parking ticket first; tow truck second; confused, disbelieving, furious motorist third. It’s a depressing regularity and the kind of thing one is likely to get an arts grant for filming in fast forward through a grainy camera with no sound and subtitles).

Sadly, my vision of a writer has clouded somewhat since I’ve attempted to be one. I don’t write things down, I don’t use a typewriter. I use a laptop, but not in the way I’d like to. I’m not like the writers in those pictures in American magazines that advertise the latest laptop: thoughtful, faintly amused writers in spectacles who wear white socks, resting on the laps of their clearly wealthy but inspiringly mixed-race families, while the fire burns away in the corner and the laptop is synched to the Blackberry which is synched to the office, where they have a job that requires them to write from home wearing white socks but also apparently keeps them in the life to which (just look at their kids) they have clearly become accustomed.

I never quite live up to the best parts of the corny picture people have of things. I live up to the worst: procrastinating on the internet, being antisocial, not having enough money to give anything the attention it deserves, and, you know, never going outside.

One day though, gadget. One day.

Well, at least the socks.

Work

Yesterday, I wrote out the Standing There Productions timeline for 2008.

It took me two hours.

I’m going to go and do some work now. I may be some time.

Please collect the mail and help yourself to what’s in the fridge…

L.

Holiday Fun

Hello everybody and welcome to the most fun month of the year. January in Melbourne is extra grouse because of the following mathematical equations:

1. Weather + park = frisbee
2. Daylight savings + best friends in world coming home for Christmas = more daylight hours for hilarity
3. New year + weather = fitness regime
4. Feeling of pride at fitness regime + weather = justification of consumption of icecream or (”it’s good for you”) gelati
5. Complete lack of desire to go inside and do work + all the above + new movie releases = fun times

Using the above equations, please provide a clear solution to the following problems:

1. Deadlines (x 3)
________________
Best month of year - hours spent wishing the state library was a surf beach = ?

2. Deadlines + The Guilt + The Fear (to the power of twelve) minus Being A Bad Friend = ?

3. Missing out on seeing best friends in world who are only in Melbourne for three weeks (x 3) - amount work done = ?

4. Amount of time spent on fitness regime - amount of work not done in those hours = justification of lack of fitness. True/False.

5. Occasional reward of new release movie + (”it’s healthy”) gelati - fitness regime = white, stressed, fatty + The Guilt. True/False.

You do the maths.