Thanks to the more trashy amongst you for bringing this to our attention.

It appears that Paris Hilton, who (in a baffling career move) never wrote back to our letter requesting that she take part in our comedy festival show, has nevertheless decided to run with our Paris Hilton Warhol Theme as her wardrobe (calm down, you can buy them here).

I know I, personally, am looking forward to wearing my own Andy Warhol image on an oversized T shirt coming soon to a store near me.

Now, moving on in the agenda, I've been going to lots of events lately, as part of various festivals, and I've learned how important it is to get the right person to run a session, or to introduce an artist.

Here are some standard no-go areas, in terms of introductions (all lifted from real life disasters):

"Before we start, let me just tell a joke." (This line could form the central defence in a murder case, particularly in literary festivals and particularly when the joke is about men looking at women's knockers, or having insufficiently large wangs).

"If the speakers could keep their readings short, that would be great because we have a lot to get through. Now, if you will indulge me (coy look of false modesty), I will now read from my new book, available for sale in the foyer (coy look masking sickening desparation). It's called THE LONGEST, MOST TURGID STORY IN THE UNIVERSE. I will read the first nine chapters. (Noisily adjusts microphone). I will be accompanied by Tamara on the lute." (This almost always from a person whose name does not appear on the ticket).

"This next speaker, I don't actually know anything about him or his work, and in fact I only met him in the foyer about twenty minutes ago. Please make him welcome... It's (reads from programme) Wiliam Shakespeare", Charles Mason, Elvis or similar.

But my favourite introduction so far in all my years of watching people be introduced by festivals is this one (usually employed at comedy festivals):

"Please welcome him on stage tonight for the first time in Melbourne. It's the very talented [INSERT NAME HERE]". This delivered by INSERT NAME HERE himself, who is doing an American accent into a microphone behind a curtain backstage, Wizard of Oz style. In fact, this is such an old trick now that I'm never sure these days who's doing what.

So, I don't know if anyone's interested but I am thinking of holding my own festival next year in my laundry. The laundry is as big as a broom closet and it leaks from what we suspect is the upstairs toilet, but I figure if four or five of us turn up and read from the phone book, we could definitely get arts funding.

You in?