This is me celebrating Stewart's award in cinematography last Saturday night at the Epworth Hospital.

So I'm going to visit the Standing There Productions baby today.

When we shot our short film, I Could Be Anybody , we asked some friends to come and do the shagging scene.

They happily obliged and nine months later... well, let's just say this could quite possibly be Standing There Productions' greatest production yet.

His name is Jasper and I already like him even though I haven't been properly introduced. He is unlike any of the other Standing There Productions in that he:

* Is more than two hours long
* Is not verbose and inclined towards political debate
* Has a strong story arc
* Has government funding (actually this is possibly untrue, but it makes the point to all those government arts funding bodies reading this that their absence has been noticed)

And of course he is adorable and perfectly formed.

My internet is down again today because of the wind blowing over a whole lot of (internet towers? phone lines? ADSL trees?)... I dunno. As a result, nerds all over the country are crammed onto the dial-up system and several emails and posts on this here website have been snatched from the screen, only to be replaced by infuriating messages about SYSTEM FAILURE and so on.

So anyway my point is the internet had better start behaving itself. That is all.

I wonder if the people next door have some kind of surveillance system set up outside my house. It wouldn't be difficult, because the (empty) house next door towers over my living room (which is also my office) and there must be someone there with a camera, or at the very least a pair of binoculars, waiting for me to stop doing the "other" jobs on my list, pour myself a cup of tea, and settle down to write.

That must be what happens. Otherwise, how would they know the exact moment to turn on their noise making machine to the EXTREMELY LOUD setting and then shout over the top of it to each other in angry voices for hours on end about exactly what to do next?

Coldest morning since 2002 or something this morning. They reported in the paper that it was particularly chilly in a place called Coldstream. Well, honestly.

Up to part five of Crime and Punishment . Thought last night that in books such as this one there should be encouragements along the way ("nearly there!" and "the ending is worth it!" etc). Perhaps a graded system ("you are now 80% more likely to say something clever at a dinner party", or "congratulations, you are now 20 pages further into this book than most people").

I am going to be so smug when I finish this book.