Right. So you might have noticed, over the years, that sometimes there is a website post that has comments the number of which, while I'm not belittling the commitment of our readers, is not reflected in our demographic research. There are billions of them.

Twenty billion comments per post is flattering, sure, but then when you read them you find out that many of them are advertising nefarious activities, soft drink companies or alien invasions.

In other words, our website has been getting spam.

The only way to get rid of this spam is to independently delete each comment. Our website almost exploded the other day (this is not quite how it was explained to me but I'm sure that's close) and as a result nobody can make comments at the moment. SORRY!

Also, if you've made an insightful comment in the past and it has accidentally been deleted in the past few days, this is nothing personal, I assure you.

If you'd really like to comment, and who wouldn't, email us through the contact us page.

We'll be up and about in a moment.

The problem with writing everything on a laptop that is extremely convenient and can go with you everywhere and is very easy to use and has wireless internet...

... is that computers crash...

The problem with centering your entire publicity campaign (including ticket bookings) through your very funky and excitingly organised websites...

... is that websites crash...

And the problem with linking your email to your website...

Well I think you get the idea.

Anyhoo. Sorry to anyone who emailed us on Friday. Sorry to anyone who went to book tickets on Friday. Our website has never done that before. It decided it might try and loose all its data in the week before our show.

Good on it.

Thankfully, we are full to the brim with nerds at Standing There Productions. Central Nerd Command was manned on Friday by Stewart "Oh alright give me a look then" Thorn, with help from over the seas by Nick "I'm not strictly working on this project" Jaffe, and was closely monitored by Paul "My Life Is Flashing Before My Eyes" Daniel, who had just perfected the new design elements when they were sucked into the internet abyss.

I'd like to thank our nerds. Our nerds are the best nerds in town. Standby nerd Andrew "The Original Kingnerd" Blain was subbed in off the bench a few weeks ago when Stewart was at the movies, so special mention to him as well, natch.

You are, every one of you, princes among men.

And by the way, could one of you possibly come and have a look at my email settings? There's something I'm trying to do with the email signature. Thanks.

There are a couple of people I think are magic.

I think my sister's a bit magic. I live with my sister and when I get up in the morning, that day's newspaper is outside my bedroom door and the kitchen is polished and my sister is up and out in the world getting on with her day while I stumble to the fridge for my morning stare at the top two shelves.

The newspaper must get there by magic. She must have a magic wand that cleans the kitchen in silence. She's magic. I know it. I've always known it. When she was a kid she was magic, too. She made all her food last longer by growing it somehow while in the process of eating it and watching mine disappear.

Anyway, Paul the Magic Website Man is magic too. I don't know how come things can change overnight on a website but it's all still there, but they can, apparently, and they do. And Paul did it all on his birthday, with a hangover, and he did this too, where incidentally you can book tickets for our show that starts in two weeks.

Two weeks. That's also magic. Somebody shrank time.

Bastards.

Hey so check this out.

It's our new show. Well, it's the image from our new show. It's Paris Hilton reading a book. Yes. Paris. Hilton. Book.

It is a real photograph, but methinks it was an ironic photoshoot (unless she is actually enjoying The Art of War, which I can only hope she is).

Anyway, now it's a Warhol. Shut up, it's seamless.

Meanwhile, in other news, we had our first auditions last night and I'm having my usual trouble. Everyone's ace. When they do auditions in Australian Idol, there are hopeless losers and talentless dorks streaming in from down the hall from an apparent bottomless pit. Where are those people? Why don't those people come? At least it would allow me some time to tune out.

Anyhoo.... I'm going in to the library now. There's a script I should probably write.

So, I know I'm supposed to be writing a show and everything, but...

2006 Standing There Productions Website Statistics That Made Me Laugh:

--> 69.4% of you come to the website for thirty seconds, or under, and then leave. Bastards.

--> Someone got to our site by searching "changeroomcam". Honestly.

--> I know a bloke who is repulsive, on many levels. His name is on our website from an era before we discovered precisely how many levels he was repulsive on. He has googled himself at least five times in the last year. Haha! Knob!

--> But having said that, there is nothing wrong with googling oneself, within reason. There is a slight possibility - I haven't checked this - that everyone mentioned on this website has been googled. Most probably by themselves. I know I've done it. If I didn't, I wouldn't know that there is a very speedy long distance runner in America called Lorin Clarke who does very well in many painful sounding events, and who I am proud to have as a namesake. Self googling is not a problem on its own. Once or twice? Fine. Five times? Self obsessed wanker. Obviously.

--> Other searches that people have done to get them to our site include the following:

Medical questions were some of the highest searched...

"one pupil bigger than the other"/ "broken arm cast"/ "one pupil bigger than the other one"/ "broken arm" / "one pupil bigger than the other after concussion"/ "broken arm comments"/
"broken wrist cast"/ "slapface disease"

... etc... This just made feel sorry for everyone. My medical advice is as follows: rent some dvds and drink lots of water...

Confusion about the name of our company led a few people astray...

"standing room only productions"/ "where there's a will productions"/ "standing in the corner for punishment"/ "i was standing you were there"/ "a guy standing there"/ "photos of people standing around"...

And then there are just the plain odd...

"travolta"

"maths for music"

"vo vos"

"home work vandalism"

"funny old comedy radio programs"

"sodoku for visually impaired"

"leotard"

"commonwealth games village bad behaviour"

"who will the oscars" (who indeed)

"maths fun" (keep searching there buddy)

"where is charmaine's boyfriend"

"vegetarianism and the economy"

"melbourne gay photographers"

"hack productions" (I am drafting a letter to google as we speak. This is just insulting)

"fun with maths" (dude! GIVE UP!)

"poetry eclairs" (yum)

"get well grandma poems"

"rash and vomitting"

"photos of benicio del toro"

"karate girls"

something very nasty about Helen Razer

"jokes about law"

and my personal favourite:

"rita walsh computer".

2006. What a year.

I have to confess that I haven't exactly followed the AWB story, except that it has apparently cost tens of millions of dollars and it sounds mega boring (I mean, "wheat" and "Iraq" are not the most entertaining words to google, are they?).

But a couple of emails were read out in court today discussing how AWB money was being spent. One of the emails detailed how trenches were being built in order to "bury the Kurds under the cement". Oddly, nobody can remember ever seeing such an email (I know I'd probably forget that kind of thing). Despite the fact that one bloke burst into tears and had to be comforted by his wife, pretty much everyone else appears to be attending court in a fog of amnesia.

It will be interesting to see if the AWB folk suddenly start remembering things when they're threatened with charges of terrorism. If you search "terror" and "wheat" and "Iraq" and "links to Government" on google, it gets a bit more interesting, is all I'm saying.

Also announced today (and also something that would usually bore the pants right off me) is the fact that Australians owe a trillion dollars in personal debts (credit cards and houses and stuff). Being a bit mathematically retarded, I kind of don't really know if a trillion is a lot. I mean I know it's a lot for, you know, an icecream. Or rollerskates. But is it a lot for household debt?

Well apparently it is. Apparently it's our GDP. Apparently we OWE our own GDP.

Good on us.

Anyhoo, that's my attempt to comprehend two of the more dense stories in the news today. I'll leave you to struggle on without me on matters such as what Kylie's "vowing" to wear in her upcoming concert, or how "worrying" it might be that sport is being played in one State rather than in the other.

I do, however, feel compelled (against my better judgement and might I say everything I stand for) to whoop enthusiastically along the following lines: "Go Swans!"

(It's not me. It's Rita. It was that, or change the colours on the entire website to red and white. I've done what I can and I will struggle to regain my dignity in the coming weeks).

Have a good weekend, Rits.

Very busy today and so let me just use this space to tell everyone about the new photos on our site.

Paul, the Website Superman, has posted a few more shots on the homepage (namely one of me and Rita) as well as a bigger range of photos rotating at the top of the page.

If none of those look familiar, that's because quite frankly you haven't been paying attention. If the photo looks like someone slightly nerdy doing what appears to be a maths olympiad on stage, that's a photo from Kathy Smith Goes to Maths Camp, which is the show by Penny Tangey (directed by me) from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

If the photo looks like it's other people on stage, particularly if those people are wearing Green T Shirts with "People Watching" on them, that's because those photos were taken (now this is fairly complicated) on the set of our play, People Watching.

If the photos are black & white, they are OLD, which means they were taken on the set of the Really Useless Theatre Company show, The Dinner Party.

For BRAND NEW EXCITING photographs of the recent cast and crew screening of our film, I Could Be Anybody, go to the "Current Production" menu, and then select "Screening and Success"

Any questions, see me after class.